Chapter II : The Conversion of St. Ignatius

The insight of Ignatius into spiritual exercises came from two major experiences. In 1521, he took the initiative with great courage to lead a group of soldiers to resist the French attack on the fortress of Pamplona, Spain. Unfortunately, he was hit by a cannon ball on the leg. Heavily wounded but treated nicely by the French, he was carried back to his hometown Loyola. During the period of convalescence, the only books he could find to help him kill time were books on the life of Jesus and the lives of the saints. Soon, the images of the saints' heroism and love for Christ, especially those of Saints Francis and Dominic, dawned on him and he began to think of imitating them in all the austerities they performed. This kind of imagination granted him great joy and satisfaction. At other times when he set reading aside, he thought of worldly things and a career through which he desired to win the heart of a royal lady. This also gave him great delight. However, insight arose when he began to notice differences in the two kinds of delight. The afterglow of the worldly joy was dry and unhappy, while that which rose from thoughts of imitating the saints still remained joyful and consoling. This perception of feeling linked to images in experience led him to understand that different spirits were moving him. The former was coming from the devil, and the latter from God. From understanding he then came to the judgment that he needed to reform his life by doing penance for his past sins as the saints had done before him. Finally, when he recovered, he committed himself in a decisive manner to become a pilgrim.

The second important experience happened in Manresa, where he stayed for ten months for prayer and penance after leaving Loyola. At this period, he was deeply troubled by scruples, fearing that he had not entirely confessed his sins to God. He wanted to do away with the scruples by extreme fasting, taking no care of his external looks and spending long hours in prayer, yet without avail. He fell prey to depression and almost came to the point of committing suicide. In this thematic searching for God's help and a knowledge God's will for himself, though making a lot of mistakes, one day insight suddenly poured into his soul, similar to that of Archimedes. "Though he remembered his earlier resolve, still he did not hesitate to decide that he ought to eat meat." 13 Later on the bank of Cardoner, as he sat there the eyes of his understanding were opened and, though he saw no vision, he understood and perceived many things, numerous spiritual things as well as matters touching on faith and learning, and this was with an elucidation so bright that all these things seemed new to him... Now having passed his sixty-second year, if he were to gather all the helps he received from God and everything he knew, and add them together, he does not think they would add up to all that he received on that one occasion. 14

Based on this insight, Ignatius turned to be new man, a spiritual master on mission and for the Church. As is common to the development after insight, Ignatius gradually synthesized what he has appropriated into a general picture and organic whole, namely, the Spiritual Exercises, which lay down a heuristic structure of self-appropriation in finding God's will. Written from his own blood and tears, this book was a gift from heaven, destined to be a milestone in Catholic spirituality.

13. A Pilgrim's Journey - The Autobiography of Ignatius of Loyola, translated by Joseph N. Tylenda. (Wilmington, Delaware: Michael Glazier, 1985), 35. This represents an insight, called election in the first time (#175; Cf. footnote 16).

14. Ibid., 38-39